你觉得自己处事有问题?你认为自己性格有缺陷?你想为自身的种种不完美找个自身以外的借口来掩饰内心的愧疚、不安和无以弥补的缺憾感?好吧,不必多加提示,相信你能轻而易举地找到你想要的答案:是的,还有谁比生你养你的那两个人更适合、更方便,也更心甘情愿地为这一切负责任呢?
On paper2), we’re what many would call a normal family. Mother, father, sister, brother—just like the Berenstain Bears3). My parents are 25 years married and still in love. My brother and I are educated. Mom and Dad gave us the necessities, plus a lot of love and support.
从表面上来看,我们家是很多人心目中的正常家庭。妈妈、爸爸、姐姐、弟弟——就跟贝贝熊一家一样。我的父母结婚已25年,至今仍然彼此恩爱。弟弟和我都是读过书、有教养的孩子。爸爸妈妈除了为我们提供生活所需,还给予我们深深的爱和不断的支持。
Despite all that, my folks4) have had some disastrous parenting moments. And much to their dismay, I remember them vividly.
As a teenager I blamed my bad behavior on their flaws. “I am a product of you,” I would say, pointing at my father, “plus you,” I would finish, pointing at my mother.
If I yell, it’s because you yell. If I act out5), it’s because you act out. If I’m a brat, it’s your fault. My monologues6) always had the same conclusion: “You made me this way.”
I admit I was the kind of teen they had to struggle not to strangle7). But I still trace a lot of my character flaws back to specific failed parenting moments.
尽管如此,在某些时刻,爸爸妈妈在教养儿女方面的确犯过致命的错。而令他们大为郁闷的是,这一切我都记得清清楚楚。
十多岁的时候,我把我所有的坏行为都归咎于他们的毛病。“我可是你生的,”我用手指着爸爸喊道。“还有你。”我又指着妈妈,然后以此结束谈话。
我要是大喊大叫,那是因为你们常常大喊大叫。我要是发泄情绪,那是因为你们常常发泄情绪。我要是没规矩,那全是你们的错。我的自言自语总是以此结束:“全是你们造成的。”
我承认,我是那种他们恨不得一把掐死的“小魔女”。但我的很多性格缺陷都可以从他们做父母的失败行为中找到根源。
One example: I’m a toddler8) sitting in a high chair in my parents’ kitchen in rural Nova Scotia. I have a mushroom haircut and large, round, blueberry eyes. My mother, who has an obsessive fear of accidental death, had just watched a television special about the danger of baby soothers9).
My soother—which I called “googer”—was probably my favorite thing in the world at the time. But Mom decided soother was a choking hazard.
Some people wean10) children off baby attachments. My mother, seeing this as a matter of life and death, took a different approach. She took soother to the basement and chucked11) it into the wood furnace12). She then retrieved the melting, charred object from the fire with a pair of barbecue tongs, walked upstairs to the kitchen and waved the deformed13) soother in front of my two-year-old face.
“No more googer!” she bellowed14).
That’s my earliest childhood memory. The effect of this trauma15)? I developed an unhealthy attachment to things that belonged to me. I became a child who hated sharing. I shared with kids at school, but only because I had to. When it came to my brother and cousins, I held on to my toys—even hid them at times—so I wouldn’t have to let others play with them.
My mother, who considers the twin values of generosity and hospitality sacred16), was ashamed to have raised such a child. She couldn’t understand how it happened. But I knew, and I told her: “You made me this way.”
Even as an adult, I still struggle with sharing. I want to share, but it makes me nervous. What if something gets torn? Broken? Or worse—burned? A friend put it this way: You like the idea of sharing, but you’re not good at it.
举个例子:我还在蹒跚学步时,我们住在加拿大新斯科舍省的乡下,那时我经常被安置在厨房里的一个高脚婴儿椅上坐着。我留着蘑菇头,长着一双又大又圆的蓝莓般的眼睛。我的妈妈,一位对婴儿的意外死亡怀有无法摆脱之恐惧的母亲,恰巧刚刚看了一部关于婴儿安抚奶嘴危险性的电视专题片。
安抚奶嘴——我称之为“嘴嘴”——那时大概是普天之下我最爱的一样东西了。但妈妈却认定奶嘴有让我窒息的危险。
有些人把孩子喜欢的东西拿开也就算了。可妈妈不,她把奶嘴看做是生死攸关的东西,采取了异乎寻常的做法。她把安抚奶嘴拿到地下室,扔到烧木柴的炉子里。然后,她用一把烧烤钳把烤化了、烧焦了的奶嘴从火中取出,走上楼,来到厨房里,把那只变了形的奶嘴在刚刚两岁的我眼前晃来晃去。
“嘴嘴,没了!”她大声吼道。
这是我最早的童年记忆。这一创伤的后遗症?我对属于自己的东西产生了一种病态的依恋。我成了一个讨厌分享的孩子。当然,在学校我也和其他孩子分享,但那不过是因为我不得已罢了。在和弟弟、堂兄妹一起玩时可就不一样了,我会死抱着玩具不放,有时甚至还要藏起来——我不愿意让别人玩我的东西。
妈妈一向认为慷慨与好客是一对孪生的美德,她对养了一个我这样的孩子深感羞愧。她无法理解我怎么会变成这样。但我心里清楚,我告诉她:“全是你造成的。”
甚至在长大以后,我还是很难和他人分享物品。我想分享,但心里却非常紧张。要是这个东西破了怎么办?坏了怎么办?或者更糟的——烧焦了怎么办?一位朋友对我的评价是:你想分享,但你不知道怎样分享。
Let’s fast-forward a few years to see my father in action. I’m a preteen doing homework at the kitchen table. Dad is cooking something in a pan on the stove. The frying pan is an old one my parents had been meaning to replace. I can’t remember what my Dad was cooking, but it stuck to the bottom of the pan.
He swore, dumped the contents of the pan into the garbage can, walked briskly out the back door, stomped17) to the edge of the patio18) and launched the frying pan across the backyard. It landed in a patch of trees.
That’s not the only thing my father has thrown into the trees. Other items that have felt his wrath include a jar of Cheez Whiz19) (it wouldn’t open), wind chimes20) (he hates wind chimes) and burned toast (he was mad at the toaster, but the bread got the punishment).
So when one day—in a fit of adolescent rage—I kicked my brother’s bedroom door straight off its hinges21), I knew who to blame for my behavior: “You made me this way.” For days afterward I endured cold silence from my father and intense glares from my mother.
I’m 24 now and my hormones have settled, although I still find myself lashing out at22) objects, especially in the kitchen. Good thing my apartment doesn’t have a patio.
让我们将时间快进几年,来看看我爸爸的行为。那时我不到十三岁,正坐在餐桌旁做家庭作业。爸爸正在火炉上用煎锅煎什么东西。那个煎锅很旧了,爸妈一直都想换。我已记不清楚当时爸爸在煎什么,只知道他煎的东西粘到了煎锅底上。
他嘴里咒骂着,把煎锅里的东西一股脑倒进垃圾桶里,然后快步从后门走了出去,站在庭院边上狠命一跺脚,嗖地一下就把煎锅扔了出去。煎锅穿过后院,落在了一片树林里。
那可不是爸爸往树林里扔的唯一一件东西。被他怒气冲冲扔掉的其他东西包括一罐起士专家奶酪(因为打不开)、一串风铃(他讨厌风铃),还有烤煳的面包(他生的是烤箱的气,结果受罚的却是面包)。
所以,有一天,当处于青春期的我怒气勃发地一脚把弟弟卧室的门从合页上踢掉时,我知道这种行为该怪谁:“全是你们造成的。”此后一连几天,我领教了爸爸冰冷的沉默和妈妈无情的怒视。
现在我24岁了,青春的荷尔蒙早已沉淀下去,但我仍然喜欢拿自己的东西出气,特别是在厨房里。好在我住的是公寓,没有庭院。
For a long time I focused on the unfortunate neurotic traits I inherited from my parents. But lately I’ve been thinking about all that I’ve learned from their imperfect parenting.
When I was 5, I showed my Dad a picture I colored and asked him if he liked it. “Nope,” he said. “I think you could have done a better job.” Not necessarily what a parent is supposed to say, but it was the truth. I had totally colored outside the lines. I put more effort into my art and, a few years later, won a huge chocolate Easter bunny in a drugstore coloring contest.
My Dad taught me to work hard. And, more importantly, he taught me the value of honesty—how to take it and give it.
What did I get from flying objects and a charred soother? I learned to value the imperfect parts of my parents, and myself.
My Dad is not patient in the kitchen, but he’s the kind of man who would drive to pick me up anywhere, anytime, no questions asked. And he wouldn’t say a word if he spent 30 minutes waiting for me in the parking lot.
My mother’s fear of freak accidents made me fearless. Even though she still worries about what might happen, she has always encouraged and applauded my sense of adventure.
Finally, even when I was a teenage terror, Mom and Dad always let me know how proud they were of me. So I’ve decided to stop blaming my parents—now I only do it in a teasing, theatrical sort of way.
很久以来,我的眼里只看到自己不幸从父母那里继承下来的神经过敏。但最近,我开始不断思考我从他们为人父母的不当行为中到底学到了什么。
五岁那年,我拿着一幅我涂好颜色的画给爸爸看,问他是否喜欢。“不喜欢,”他说,“我觉得你可以做得更好。”这也许不是做父亲的该说的话,但确实是真话。因为我把颜色全都涂在了线条外面。后来,我在美术方面投入了更多的精力;结果,几年以后,在一家杂货店举办的涂色比赛上,我赢得了一只巧克力做的巨大的复活节兔子。
爸爸教我要勤奋努力。更重要的是,他让我明白了诚实的价值——如何对待诚恳,如何诚实待人。
从横飞的物品和烧焦的奶嘴中我学到了什么呢?我学会了珍视父母的缺点,以及我自己的缺点。
爸爸虽然在厨房里缺乏耐心,但不管我在哪里,不论什么时候,他都能开车过来接我,随叫随到,而且什么都不问。即使他在停车场里等我半小时,也从来不会抱怨一个字。
妈妈对意外事件的担心造就了我的无畏无惧。虽然她仍然担心意外的发生,但却总是鼓励、支持我的冒险精神。
最后一点,在我十几岁的时候,即使我像个混世魔王似的把家里闹个底朝天,爸爸妈妈也总是让我明白我是他们的骄傲。所以,我决定不再责怪父母——现在,就算责怪他们,那也是开玩笑、闹着玩。
Because I’m not perfect, and they aren’t either. But they did make me.
说到底,我自己并非完人,他们也不是。但的的确确,如果我不乖,全是他们的错。
(题图 / 贾臻臻)
1. brat [brAt] n. 小孩,尤指被宠坏的或举止粗鲁的小孩
2. on paper:在名义上;在理论上
3. Berenstain Bears:贝贝熊,它们是《贝贝熊》(The Berenstain Bears)儿童系列丛书中的角色;《贝贝熊》由美国兰登书屋出版,该丛书讲述了每个有孩子的现代家庭里都会发生的故事,故事围绕贝贝熊一家展开,这个家庭由熊爸爸、熊妈妈和一双儿女组成。
4. folk [fEuk] n. [复]双亲
5. act out:(将受压抑的情绪)无意识地表现出来,用行动来表现或发泄(受挫的心理、压抑的情绪等)
6. monologue [5mCnElC^] n. 独白,自言自语
7. strangle [5strAN^l] vt. 扼死,掐死,勒死
8. toddler [5tCdlE] n. 初学走路的孩子
9. soother [5sU:TE(r)] n. 橡皮奶头
10. wean [wi:n] vt. 使断奶;使戒掉
11. chuck [tFQk] vt. 抛掷,丢弃
12. furnace [5fE:nIs] n. 炉子,熔炉
13. deformed [dI5fC:md] adj. 不成形的,丑陋的
14. bellow [5belEu] v. 吼叫,怒吼,咆哮
15. trauma [5trC:mE] n. [医]外伤,损伤
16. sacred [5seIkrId] adj. 庄严的,神圣的
17. stomp [stCmp] vi. 跺脚,重踏
18. patio [5pB:tIEu] n. 天井,院子
19. Cheez Whiz:起士专家,卡夫食品有限公司生产的一种奶酪的品牌
20. wind chimes:风铃
21. hinge [hIndV] n. (门、盖等的)铰链,合页
22. lash out at:猛击;严厉斥责