大脑飞快转动,嘴巴不听使唤,心有千言万语,奈何无法言传,纵使急得捶胸顿足满头汗,却也只能张口结舌干瞪眼。你以为这是演戏?错!现实生活中口吃者遭遇的尴尬与痛苦远非戏中博人一笑的轻浅演绎所能比拟。不过,好在世上还有网络这个交流平台和文字这根救命稻草。将心中所想付诸文字、放于网络,口吃者们终于做回了自己,也觅到了快乐……
My mouth gulps2) soundlessly again and again as if I am auditioning3) for a part in Finding Nemo 2, and I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. I’m not freezing up because I’m giving a presentation in front of hundreds of people. I’m doing something that is far scarier—saying my own name to someone I don’t know. You see, I have a stammer.
我嘴里反复无声地吞咽着,紧张得就像我正在为扮演《海底总动员2》中的一个角色试镜。我忍不住想,我到底做错了什么事,老天让我遭这份报应。要知道,我可不是因为面对几百个人发表演讲而张口结舌;我正在做的事儿要可怕得多——告诉陌生人我的名字。你瞧,我口吃。
It’s not only me. Stammerers have included characters as diverse as Winston Churchill, Bruce Willis4), and Robert Peston5). Around one in a hundred people is affected by some form of this condition, and the symptoms and effects can differ widely depending on the individual—which is probably why no one has yet come up with a “cure”. Most stammers disappear of their own accord6) before adulthood. Unfortunately, mine never did: I can’t remember a day without it.
口吃的人可不只我一个。口吃的人形形色色,包括温斯顿·丘吉尔、布鲁斯·维利斯和罗伯特·佩斯顿。大约每一百个人中就有一个人多多少少有些口吃,而且口吃的表现和影响差别很大,因人而异——这也许就是为什么至今尚未有人能够给出“根治良方”的原因。大多数人的口吃症状在成年之前就会自行消失。不幸的是,我的口吃症状从未消失过:在我的记忆中,我没有一天不口吃。
Supposedly simple activities, such as telling a bus driver where I want to go, are sometimes nigh-on7) impossible. Even the idea of phoning a friend can bring me out in8) a cold sweat. Memories of past failures feed into my imagined reading of how the next example will unfold, inevitably creating a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy of doom. Even though I know that it is beyond silly for me to be full-on9) terrified when the waiter walks around the restaurant table taking food orders, I’ve been known to avoid menu items that I think I won’t be able to say. I just can’t take the advice that I shouldn’t be worried about stammering.
常人看来很简单的事情,比方说告诉公交车司机要去哪里,对我来说有时却几乎无法完成。想到要给朋友打个电话,我都会浑身出冷汗。过去失败的经历会瞬时涌入脑海,我都能想象到下一次失败会是什么样子,而这个“我注定会失败”的预言总是不可避免地会实现。在餐馆里,我一看到服务员来到桌边等着点菜就会吓个半死——那是再愚蠢不过的事情,这个我也知道。但是,众所周知,我还是会尽量不点菜单上那些我估计自己说不出来的菜名。有人建议我不要担心口吃,但我就是听不进去。
Any sentence starting with a hard sound such as a “d” or “g” is a recipe10) for disaster. I find myself taking a run-up11) to difficult words like I’m fast bowling12) for England, or simply avoiding them altogether in favour of13) picking something easier. It has made me a good listener by necessity14), but I’m the guy in the corner of the party who desperately wants to become a proper part of the conversation—having so many things that I want to say, but keeping quiet in case I stammer and make someone else feel uncomfortable. I can’t stand the embarrassment of having a sentence finished for me, but breathe a silent sigh of relief if and when15) it happens.
以“d”或“g”这些硬音开头的句子,总会酿成灾难。我发现自己在使用难词之前总要好好准备一番,那情形就好像为英格兰板球队投快球时要先助跑一样。或者我干脆就不用这些词,而是挑选些容易的词来替代。因为口吃,我无可避免地成了一名耐心的聆听者。在聚会上,我常常躲在角落里,但内心又极度渴望像正常人那样与人说话——我有许多话要说,但因为担心口吃会使对方感到不快而不得不保持沉默。别人替我说完一句话时的那种尴尬可真让我难以忍受。不过,如果真的有人替我说完,我又会暗地里松一口气。
The most maddening thing of all is that this snake in the grass can strike at any time. I stammer most when I’m tired, stressed or on the phone, but it can affect me when I’m wide-awake and saying something that I found very easy the day before. Alcohol usually relaxes me and improves the situation, but a couple of glasses of wine can sometimes have the opposite effect.
最让人受不了的是,这尾隐藏在草丛里的蛇随时都可能会出击。在劳累、紧张或打电话时,我最容易口吃;但是,在完全清醒,而且说的是前一天还能轻松出口的话时,我居然也会口吃。喝点酒通常会让我觉得放松,情况也会因此好转;但也有时候,几杯葡萄酒下肚,口吃反而会越来越厉害。
Bearing all of the above in mind, then (cue16) feverish note-taking), how would you ever go about17) talking to me? First, I’m not cognitively challenged—I just sometimes have trouble saying what I want to say, exactly when I want to say it. I react well to nodding and thoughtful patience, which can help me feel slightly less self-conscious. Sighs and impatient foot-shuffling18) are obvious no-nos19), though—and I would inwardly go to Defcon One20) if you said anything like “you can do it!”—making hurry-up gestures, looking at your watch like you were an MP21) late for the gravy train22), or—and this has honestly happened—asking me to “sing it”. No, you first, I insist.
知道了上述这些情况,那么(友情提示一下,赶紧记笔记吧),你会怎样跟我说话呢?首先,我的认知能力没有问题——只不过有时我在表达自己的想法方面,而且恰恰是在想表达的时候,存在一定的困难。对方若是点头或善解人意地耐心等待,我的紧张就会稍有缓解,反应也会比较正常。不过,若是对方频频叹气,或是不耐烦地把脚蹭来蹭去,那显然犯了我的大忌——如果你再说出点“你行的”之类的话,我的心理防御级别立马会升为一级。我的其他禁忌还包括:用手势催我快点说;盯着手表,就像一个议员,因说话耽误了美差;或者——这样的事情的确发生过——干脆叫我“唱出来”。不,我会坚持说,还是你先来吧。
So the rise of the internet has proven to be a godsend for me, because I’ve come to regard writing as an escape from my lack of verbal nous23). While many people become their dodgily24) goateed evil twin25) when faced with an online forum or comments page, I see such places as the chance to finally be “me”. I can write exactly what I want, express all those opinions, tell the stories that I’d never be able to manage in real life. The written word has become my second life. I’ve written, and am trying to sell, a novel, and have finally emerged victorious in my pitched battle26) with procrastination27). And last year, I got married.
所以,互联网的兴起对我来说真是雪中送炭,因为渐渐地,我已经把网上写作当成救命稻草,是它帮我从不善言辞的困境中逃离。许多人在网上论坛或评论网页上发表意见时,内心邪恶狡猾的一面就会显现出来,而我却把这些地方看做是机遇之地,它们最终让我做回了真正的自己。我能准确地把心中所想付诸文字,表达所有想要表达的观点,把那些在真实生活中我永远都讲不出来的故事说出来。文字给了我第二次生命。我写了一部小说,现在正想把它卖出去。还有,在与懒散进行的“激战”中,我最终获得了胜利。去年,我结婚了。
Marriage is avoided by many stammerers simply because of the potential blind terror of the vows and the speech. My chat with the registrar before the ceremony was unbelievably awful—I could barely get a word out. But when the doors at the back of the room opened, and I saw my bride-to-be standing there, looking so beautiful, it miraculously flipped28) a switch in my head marked “resolve”. There was a tiny flicker29) of a stammer on the first line of my vows, but the rest went like clockwork. Then there was my speech. I’ve watched the DVD since, and I have no idea who that guy was. He was charismatic30). He was funny. But more importantly from my point of view, he was fluent. The Holy Grail31).
许多口吃的人都选择不结婚,就因为对婚礼上的宣誓和致辞存有盲目的恐惧。在举行婚礼前,我与登记员的谈话糟糕得令人难以置信——我几乎一个字也说不出来。可是,当房间的后门一打开,我看到我未来的新娘站在那里,那么美丽,我脑子里写着“解决”的那个开关忽然奇迹般地打开了。刚开始说誓言的时候,我还有一点口吃,但后面却一个字也没有说错。后来的致辞也非常流利。婚礼过后,我再次看当时的DVD时,简直想象不出DVD上的那个家伙是谁。那家伙真是魅力超凡、幽默风趣。但在我看来,更重要的是,他说话很流利。那可是我梦寐以求的啊。
The next day, I was back to my usual self—frustrated and annoyed every time that my voice rebelled against me. But on the most important day of my life, I beat my stammer.
婚礼第二天,我又恢复为平常的自己——每当舌头不听使唤时,就会沮丧不堪、懊恼不已。但无论如何,在我生命中最重要的那一天,我克服了口吃。
I’ll always remember that.
我会永远铭记这一点。
1. stammerer [5stAmErE] n. 口吃的人
2. gulp [^Qlp] vi. 吞咽
3. audition [C:5dIFEn] vi. 进行试演
4. Bruce Willis:布鲁斯·维利斯(1955~),美国影视演员、制片人。其最成功的影片为《虎胆龙威》(Die Hard)系列。
5. Robert Peston:罗伯特·佩斯顿(1960~),英国记者,从2006年起出任BBC财经新闻的编辑。
6. of one’s own accord:出于自愿,主动地
7. nigh-on:接近地
8. bring sb. out in sth.:使某人浑身都有某种东西
9. full-on:(表示最大程度)完全地
10. recipe [5resIpI] n. 处方,诀窍
11. run-up:助跑;事件的前奏曲,预备阶段
12. bowl [bEul] vi. (板球)投球
13. in favour of:以……来替代
14. by necessity:无法避免地,势必,必定
15. if and when:万一,如果
16. cue [kju:] vt. 给……以提示;暗示
17. go about:着手做,从事
18. shuffle [5FQfl] vi. (脚在地上)滑来滑去
19. no-no [5nEJnEJ] n. 不可作之事,禁忌
20. Defcon One:一级防卫准备,是防御准备中的最高级。Defcon:[军事]战备状态,防卫准备态势(defense readiness condition)
21. MP:(英国)下院议员
22. gravy train:〈俚〉薪水优厚的闲差使;美差,肥差;不费力而赚大钱的职位(或机会)
23. nous [naus] n.〈口〉机智;常识
24. dodgily [5dCdVIlI] adv. 狡猾地,善于骗人地
25. goateed evil twin:某人留着山羊胡子的、邪恶的孪生兄弟,暗指人们内心邪恶的一面;“evil twin”主要指小说中主角的敌对方,他们在外形上是主角的复制品,但在道德上与主角相反。在很多小说作品中,邪恶的一方多留有山羊胡子,以和正义的一方作区分。
26. pitched battle:激战,酣战
27. procrastination
[prEu7krAstI5neIFEn] n. 延迟,拖延
28. flip [flIp] vt. 按动(开关)
29. flicker [5flIkE] n. 颤动,突然而短暂的动作
30. charismatic [7kArIz5mAtIk] adj. 神赐能力的,超凡魅力的
31. the Holy Grail:指某人渴望拥有的事物或达到的目标