1)Basements Are Vital for Your Safety 龙卷风狂想曲
龙卷风本是可怕的，作者却用幽默诙谐的文字为我们演奏了一支让人忍俊不禁的“龙卷风狂想曲”。嬉笑谐趣的同时还不忘提醒人们：要降低龙卷风的危害，人们首先要增强安全意识！
新年快到了，小编在此奉上这篇幽默又不乏睿智的短文，希望大家能于阅读中品味幽默，开怀一笑！
文字难度：★★☆
The other day, after hearing that my 2) county was under a 3) tornado 4) watch, I began to question my choice of apartments. 
I knew that people might soon be advised to head to their basements, get 5) on their knees and pray that the tornado stays away from their big-screen televisions.
I was willing to do all this, except that my second-floor apartment is not 6) equipped with a basement. My 7) landlord forgot to give me one. If only he was that forgetful about the rent.
Had I known how important basements are, I would have insisted on one. I thought basements had only two main purposes: storing old furniture and collecting rainwater.
So what was I to do? What if a tornado showed up?
It certainly seemed like a good time to make friends with the neighbors.
“Hi! I’m Melvin. I live next door and I was wondering if I could hide in your basement. No, I’m not hiding from immigration and I won’t try to make you join 8) Amway. I promise not to touch any of your stuff. If you’re growing 9) marijuana in your basement, I promise not to report you or ask for some. Please help me. I’ll do anything: 10) mow your 11) lawn, wash your car, 12) rub your toes.”
But I decided that going to the neighbors’ house was too much trouble, especially since they have a dog. The tornado was just a possibility, while the dog was a reality.
13) Not that I was not concerned about the tornado. I remembered the movie 14) Twister and those flying cows. If a tornado could carry a cow up in the air, imagine what it would do with me. What if it carried me all the way to Mexico? And what if the border 15) patrol, seeing my brown skin, didn’t let me return? I’d 16) be stuck in Mexico with no 17) American Express and, even worse, no 18) visa.
Tornadoes are deadly, partly because people don’t 19) heed the warnings. Some think that a “tornado watch” means it’s a good time to go outside and watch the tornado.
Others think it’s never going to affect them, only their neighbors. To get these people worried, the forecasters need to be more precise: “The 20) National Weather Service has 21) issued a tornado warning for the home of Lester and Edith Smith. Mr. Smith, you are urged to drop the 22) remote control and rush to the basement. Don’t forget to take Mrs. Smith with you.”
Thankfully, a tornado didn’t visit me. And my friends gave me some good advice. They said the safest place for me to hide, other than a basement, is my 23) bathtub. It’s made to 24) withstand any 25) calamity.
But I still have many questions: Should I fill the tub with water? Should I 26) glue myself to the tub? Where should I put my visa? And what if my landlord bought a 27) cheap tub?
前几天，在听到我们县会遭受龙卷风袭击后，我开始质疑起自己当初选公寓的眼光来。
我知道人们很快就会被通知躲到地下室去，然后跪在那里虔诚地祈祷龙卷风远离他们的大屏幕电视机。
我倒是很乐意这样做，可问题是，我住的这个位于二楼的公寓没有配备地下室。房东忘了给我配一个地下室了。他怎么就不会忘了催我交房租呢！
如果我早知道地下室如此重要，我一定坚持要求房东给我配一个。我原以为地下室只有两个主要用途：存放旧家具和收集雨水。
现在我该怎么办呢？万一龙卷风真的来了，我该如何是好？
显然，是时候和邻居们好好地交往一下了。
“你好！我叫梅尔文，就住在你家隔壁。我想问一下，我能不能躲在你们的地下室里。别误会，我不是躲避警察的非法入境者，也不是试图游说你们加入安利的直销员。我保证，不会碰你地下室里的任何东西。如果你们在地下室种了大麻，我保证守口如瓶，不去举报你，也不会向你索要一些大麻。请帮帮我吧！我可以为你做任何事：割草、洗车，帮你按摩脚趾。”
但思前想后，我还是觉得向邻居求助太麻烦了，尤其是因为他们家有一条狗。毕竟，龙卷风来不来还没有最后定论，而他们家的狗却是实实在在的威胁。
我倒不是不害怕龙卷风。我想起了电影《龙卷风》以及片中被龙卷风刮得满天飞的牛。如果龙卷风能轻而易举地把一头牛刮上天，那么我的下场就可想而知了。如果龙卷风一路把我刮到了墨西哥怎么办？如果在边境巡逻的士兵看到褐色皮肤的我，不让我回国怎么办？没有运通信用卡，我会被困在墨西哥，更糟糕的是，我没有签证！
龙卷风之所以会带来毁灭性的破坏，部分原因是人们总是对龙卷风警报充耳不闻。在一些人看来，“龙卷风警报”意味着：是时候走到户外去看看龙卷风了！
有些人总以为龙卷风离自己非常遥远，只会影响他们的邻居。要让这些人提高警惕，天气预报员必须说得更清楚具体一点：“国家气象服务中心向莱斯特·史密斯和伊迪丝·史密斯夫妇发出龙卷风警报。史密斯先生，我们强烈要求你马上放下遥控器，躲到地下室去。别忘了带上史密斯夫人。”
谢天谢地，龙卷风并没有来“拜访”我。朋友们给了我一些好的建议。他们说，躲避龙卷风时，最安全的地方不是地下室，而是浴缸。浴缸本来就是用来躲避灾难的。
可我还是有许多疑问：我要把浴缸盛满水吗？我要紧紧地贴着浴缸吗？我应该把我的签证放在哪里？如果房东买的这个浴缸是个劣质产品，那怎么办？