而“成为好女孩”则报酬丰厚。“好女孩”在社会上处处享受厚遇,在自助餐厅里是人们的焦点所在,在学校里占据着领导地位。然而,这些“厉害女子”中,有许多学会了通过抑制她们处于发展中的自我最真实的部分来获得成功。14岁的米亚睡眠不足,她的时间排得过满:打高尔夫球,热心于志愿者活动,还当校报记者。但她告诉我:
“When I’d go to school, a switch went on. Time to be Mia that everyone wants to be friends with...like everyone loves me, I don’t do bad things, I’m just Miss Perfect. My parents love me. I do all the activities that everyone wants to do. If my teachers ask me to do something, I’ll do it. One of those pleasing people.”
“一回到学校,我就会转换到另一种状态/样子。是时候变成米亚——一个人人都想与之交朋友的人……仿佛每个人都喜欢我,我也不会做坏事,我就是个‘完美小姐’。我的父母爱我。我参与所有人都想参与的活动。如果我的老师让我去做一些事,我会去做。反正就是扮演一个讨人喜欢的人。”
Good Girl pressure threw a “switch” and split Mia’s personality. It was as if, she told me, “I had two identities.” To be Good, Mia had to project a false self to the world, acting one way in public and another way in private. She would behave one way to someone’s face and another way behind her back; one way in person, another way online.
社会对“好女孩”的看重成了一种压力,促使米亚出现了“角色转换”以及人格分裂的情况。她告诉我,那就好像“我有双重身份。”要成为好女孩,米亚在世人面前得制造投射一个虚假的自我形象,“台上”是一个样,“台下”又是另一个样。人前人后,她会有两种截然不同的举动。真人是一个形象,在网上的言谈又是另一回事。
Psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler observed a 16)spike in stress levels and psychological crises among girls who, she writes, are “17)prone to becoming 18)estranged from their inner lives...[They] are so busy living up to others’ expectations that they either don’t develop or eventually 19)relinquish their own goals. They are so focused on achieving external 20)emblems of success that they don’t get the chance to figure out what really excites them and gives them pleasure. They barely know who they are or who they want to become.”
心理学家朗妮·柯恩—桑德拉观察到以下这类女孩其压力水平中的一个峰值及其心理危机,于是这样写道:“倾向于与其内心世界隔离……(她们)忙于迎合他人的期望,以致她们要么根本不去想自己的目标,要么最终放弃目标。她们一心要争那些所谓成功的外在虚壳,从而没有机会弄明白真正令自己兴奋并给自己带来愉悦的是什么。她们几乎不清楚自己是谁,或是自己想成为怎样的人。”
At what price is success? Many of the most accomplished girls are disconnecting from the truest parts of themselves, sacrificing essential self-knowledge to the pressure of who they think they ought to be.
成功的代价有多大?那些最为成功的女孩们中,很多都脱离了自我中最真实的那个部分,牺牲了最必不可少的那份自知自重,而屈服在外界的压力下,去做她们以为自己应当成为的那种人。
The curse is not confined to overachievers or to girls’ external pursuits. The pressure to be Good runs deep into the core of the self, 21)circumscribing a girl’s ability to know, express, and accept her most challenging feelings.
这个紧箍咒并非局限于那些成就斐然的女孩,或是她们的外在追求。成为“好女孩”的压力根深蒂固,限制了一个女孩了解、表达以及接受自己内心最不赞同的感受。
Placed 22)at odds with their most important feelings, many do not develop the skills to speak their minds when they need to, or the skin to endure the claims of someone else. Lacking a full emotional vocabulary or the permission to use it, some girls turn inward, 23)ruminating self-destructively. Others become explosive, able to 24)articulate little more than anger and frustration. The psychological muscles a girl uses to manage difficult feelings begin to 25)atrophy. Emotional intelligence is compromised, 26)stunting healthy self-expression: the more Good girls try to be, the more they must 27)discredit themselves. These toxic lessons in relationship and conflict management follow many girls into adulthood.
被置于与自己最重要感受背道而驰的这种境地,许多女孩没有培养自己在有需要时说出内心想法的能力,也没磨练出一副厚脸皮来拒绝别人的种种要求。由于缺乏一套完整的情感词汇,或是没有获得允许去使用,一些女孩把事情憋着,反复思考,以一种自毁的方式钻牛角尖。另一些则选择爆发,但能清楚地表达出来的只是怨怒和沮丧。女孩用来应对各种焦虑情绪的“心理肌肉”开始萎缩。情商遭遇妥协,阻碍了利于健康的自我表达:女孩们越是想成为“好女孩”,她们就越来越自我怀疑。这些有关人际关系和矛盾处理的教训危害十足,会跟随许多女孩进入成年期。
To be absolutely kind and selfless is impossible, making Good a finish line girls never get to cross. As a result, girls who 28)aspire to Goodness are ruthlessly hard on themselves. When the standards for selfhood are beyond reach, self-acceptance is futile. Girls become their own worst enemies. The terms of being an acceptable girl are 29)rigged: Good Girls are doomed to fail.
要成为绝对善良和无私的人是不可能的,这使得女孩们永远跨不过“好”这一终极界限。结果,立志成为“好女孩”的她们严守戒律,自克自抑。当“自我成就”的标准是那么高不可攀时,“自我接受”也变得无从谈起了。女孩们成为了自己最大的敌人。要成为被社会接受的女孩,根本就是走进一场早被人做了手脚的赌局:“好女孩”注定是输家。
