Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself? He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.
However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. Fix It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.
理解火星人的这一个性,有助于女人理解为何男人如此抗拒他人纠正其做法,或是告知其该如何做。主动向男人提供建议,即假定了他不清楚该做些什么,或是无法独立完成。对此,男人很恼火,因为能力这东西对他们来说至关重要。
因为火星人正在独立处理自己的问题,所以他极少与他人谈论其问题,除非他需要专业的意见。他的理由是:当我能独立完成一件事时,为何要把别人扯进来?他是不会向外人透露他自己的问题的,除非他需要另一个人帮助寻求解决方法。能独立完成一件事却向他人寻求帮助,这会被视作软弱的一种表现。
然而,如果他的确需要帮助,那么他会明智地寻求帮助。在这种情况下,他会找一个自己敬重的人,和他谈论自己的问题。在火星上,谈论问题就是寻求建议了。而另一名火星人会因为这个提建议的机会而感觉到荣耀。他自动担当起“搞定先生”这一角色,在倾听一会儿后提供一些宝贵的建议。
This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.
He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. He has no idea that by just listening with 14)empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.
火星人的这一习惯是当女人谈论其问题时,男人会本能地提供解决方法的原因之一。当一个女人单纯地和一个男人分享她的沮丧感,或是就那天的遭遇大吐苦水之时,那个男人错以为她是在寻求一些专业的意见。他担当起“搞定先生”的角色,开始提建议。这是他示爱和试图提供帮助的一种方式。
他希望通过帮助她解决问题来使她的心情好转。他希望自己对她有用。他感觉,当他运用自己的能力解决了她的问题,他就会被看重,因而才配得上她的爱。他全然不知自己带着兴趣倾听并感同身受,就是给予了她支持。他不清楚,在金星上,谈论问题并非是在邀请他人提供解决方法。
LIFE ON VENUS 金星上的生活
Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.
Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.
This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman’s experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem. Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and 15)intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.
金星人有着不同的价值观。她们看重爱、沟通、美和人际关系。她们把大量时间花在相互之间的支持、帮助和呵护上。她们以其感受和人际关系的质量来定义她们的自我感。她们通过分享以及同他人建立联系来获取满足感。
沟通是首要因素。对她们来说,分享个人感受比达成目标和获取成功重要的多。相互交谈和建立联系是其巨大满足感的来源之一。
这一点让男人们难以理解,但只要想想自己赢了比赛、达成目标或是解决问题时获得的满足感,他就能更好地理解女人们对于分享以及他人建立联系这两方面的感受。女人们以关系为重,而非以目标为重;她们更注重表达其善意、爱和关心。两个火星人在午餐时谈论一个项目或一个商业目标,因为他们有一个问题要解决。另外,火星人认为到餐馆去是获取食物的一种高效方式:无需购物、烹饪和洗碗碟。对于金星人来说,共进午餐是培养感情的机会,因为在那种场合下,双方可以向朋友提供帮助,并从朋友那里获得帮助。女人在餐馆里谈论的话题可以涉猎面很广,有些话题还很私密,近乎治疗师和病人之间展开的那类对话。
Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.
Because proving one’s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn’t feel she 16)mists his ability to do it himself.
A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.
On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.
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Next time you are frustrated with the opposite sex, remember men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
金星人很倚靠直觉。她们从数百年来对他人需求的预感中培养起这种能力。她们为自己能考虑到他人的需求和感受而感到自豪。伟大的爱其表现之一便是在另一个金星人提出请求前主动向其提供帮助和协助。
因为对金星人而言,证明自己的能力